Paranoid

When I am all alone and miserable, I still sometimes think of you. You always were nice to me, always had a kind word. Your warm smile pulled me through many days I thought the sun would not shine. I never noticed that your eyes did not smile with the rest of your face, I was too involved in loving you for always being there when I needed you. But you were not always there. You deserted me when I needed you most. Of all the times to leave, you had to pick the one that would hurt me the most. I needed help through all the other times I was drowning in the slings and arrows of life, but I would have survived. Part of me died when you left me swaying in the wind with the noose tightening around my neck. Did you intended to set me up for that fall? Did you plan to leave me when I was most vulnerable? Sometimes I wonder if you ever really loved me at all. I torture myself, late at night wondering if I ever had a reason to love you. I know I have a reason to hate you, but if we met again, would I still trust you and leave myself open to being let down again? You are the reason I trust no one. Paranoia fills my waking hours and my dreamscape is filled with people lining up to hurt me. I hate what you've done to me as much as what I've become.