k4t3

In life, there is nothing more saddening than falling in love with what you wish someone would be. I still remember everything about her. She walked lightly, delicately, as if she was trying not to alert anyone of her presence with the sound of her footsteps. But as she walked, she did not look with a frown toward the ground, but rather held her chin level, looking through soft blue eyes in wonder at the world around her. And I remember, too, the day those eyes turned to ice, and I would rather eat shards of glass for an eternity than feel my heart rend as it did. She was soft-spoken, but always truthful, and I hated myself for loving her, because I knew that she did not return my love. At times, it seemed she could read my mind, and I hers, but the more I tried to understand her, the more she pushed me away, not physically, or even verbally, but her whole demeanor changed, as if some barrier formed around her that I could not hope to break down. I don't even think she was aware of this defensive barrier, but I was. I loved to talk to her openly, about anything, and I shared some deep insights that I knew would leave me vulnerable. Was I wrong to trust her? I had to know, had to find out what would've happened if she knew how I felt about her, or I would worry about it forever. So I told her. She did not mind, and seemed quite flattered, but did not love me in return. We resolved to be friends. Of course, things were never the same. She did not treat me as she did her other friends. Again, I don't think she was even conscious of this, and it was just that same barrier between us, growing now to the point where it crushed me. I cannot bear the thought of her now. For hours I sat, deep in thought, wishing we could be friends indeed, and that I had never fallen in love with her, but I knew it could not be so. Then she left, and I was even more depressed. In a state of constant pain I sat and wondered if I had done all that I could. Gradually, I accepted the fact that I had to forget her, or at least forget the way I felt about her, or maybe just change my feelings for her. Then I missed the pain for the same reason I missed her, because I'd lived with it so closely and for so long. I still stifle a scream every time I hear her name.