01011: Deal With It
By: Brad PoolWhy does everyone seem to be upset about something? Why does everyone seem to think that they live in a world of darkness that no one else could ever understand, and can not save them from? Well I will tell you why. Because they choose to. They have decided that their lives suck and therefore they do. They have placed themselves in a self-created hell and just love to hate themselves. And then they blame it on everyone else. The absence of love from their parents, the unrequited love of another human being, the society in which I live... etc. All of these things are blamed for their current state of being. They then go on to a barrage of "If only's" that lead ultimately to more self-loathing. If only my parents loved me more, if only I had some more money, if only this girl/guy would give me the time of day...
The truth is all of your problems begin and end with you. You are the one that decides that you have a problem and then you are the one that decides who's fault it is and most importantly you are the one that decides what you are going to do about it. You don't have the power to change anyone else's mind but your own. You cannot make someone else love you or believe as you do, you can only change your own mind. And while most people take this ability for granted, in doing so we forget how powerful an ability that really is. Just think, if Hitler had "changed his mind" the Holocaust may never have happened, if Gandhi had changed his mind India may still be under British rule, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. my never have been inspired to use passive resistance to lead the fight for Civil Rights. It was the power of these individual's minds, how they interpreted their situations and then most importantly what they did about them that brought such radical changes to the world, both good and bad. So while your problems with unrequited love may not change the world as we know it, the way you decide to react to them and solve them can do something even more important. They can change your world, your reality, your life, for the good or for the bad. So to all of the people that have decided that their life "sucks" because of whatever reason, that is their choice. They have chosen to believe as such and to act in accordance with those beliefs to make their lives "suck" as opposed to using their experiences trials and tribulations to make them stronger or to make themselves happy. As the old saying goes "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" but what they don't say is that what doesn't kill you can make you happier. This can only be true if you make it true. And you can if you know what to do.
And just what do you do? That is what everyone seems to want to know. Well, my all-encompassing answer is "GET THE FUCK OVER IT!" But this response is really not very helpful in that it doesn't describe fully all the steps that go into "getting over" things as serious as the lack of love from your parents or the death of a close friend. So I will use this article and further ones to describe the steps I have used throughout life to "get over" the biggest problems in my life.
First off I would like to establish a little credibility. I mean who am I to tell others how to get over their problems. No one really. I am no one special. I am your average 18-year-old kid who has had his share of disappointments and troubles in life. But many of my friends will tell you that I am a person with his "head screwed on straight", as my mother would say. I am a very happy, go lucky individual, but I was not born that way nor have I lead a sheltered life, I am this way by my own choosing. I have suffered my share of troubles in my lifetime... I have experienced the divorce of my parents at an age when I was too young to understand it, and continued to live with divorced parents, one of which lives with a husband that doesn't understand the true meaning of love and the sacrifices that go along with it, and a stepdaughter who has been brought up in an atmosphere devoid of discipline and love. She has no respect for the truth or personal property, or the trust that goes with these things. The other lives in an uncommitted relationship with an overbearing partner. They will never marry, but neither want to go through the pains of a breakup, they are cowards both. I have lost close friends and relatives to premature death. I have loved and lost. I have dealt with self-esteem problems; I have sought the approval of others in less than noble ways. I have given into peer pressure, I have dealt with being not liked for most of my young life, and I was even blessed with unhealthy skin! Before it starts sounding like I am bitching, I will say this, although your problem my not be on the list you just read, I have dealt with many of my own problems. And while I may not have dealt with your problem specifically, the causes and cures of all problems are similar and all can be dealt with in a similar fashion. I know this because I have dealt with all of my trials and tribulations and I lead a very happy and jubilant life. I will not say that I no longer have any problems that would be a blatant lie. I can say, however, that all of the problems that I do have, I am capable of dealing with and all of them together have not been able to make me an unhappy, pessimistic, paranoid, scared, lonely, you name it, person.
Now as I said before all problems begin and end with you. You identify a circumstance or set of circumstances as problematic or bad or as beneficial and good. It is like the analogy, one man's trash is another man's treasure. Now while this saying usually applies to possessions it can also apply to a situation. Take this example: You fall head over heels in love with someone and you "go out" or "date" or what have you for a while and it ends up not working out due to the other person's desire to no longer be with you. Two people in this same situation could make the two different conclusions. One could say, "Gee, this is bad. I really loved this person and they don't love me anymore, I am unhappy." The other could say "Well, this isn't so bad, I learned a lot about life and love in this relationship and so I can chalk this one up to experience and move on. I am not happy about this but then I don't have to be unhappy." (Not that being unhappy because of a break up is in and of itself bad, the actions and decisions that usually follow that unhappiness usually lead to more and more unhappiness which is in most people's opinion's including mine, is bad). To the first man this situations is "bad and hence "trash" because he is now unhappy and will most likely go on and do things about it, like stewing or becoming depressed, which will continue to make him sad. On the other hand, to the second man, the situation has turned out not necessarily in a conventionally good, way but in a way that will allow him to take what he has learned and felt and apply it to later relationships. Which could then lead to future happiness, and hence the "treasure". The difference between these two men is how they saw the situation. Many people now a days tend to follow the path of the first man. They stack up piles of trash accumulated over years of unsuccessful relationships due to the endless circle of unhappiness that they subject themselves to by not deciding to find the treasure amongst the trash, less met aphorically speaking, the happiness in the disappointment, the good in the bad. Now both men in this example have accepted the truth that no matter what they do they cannot make the other person love them; the difference comes in how the two men react to this knowledge. The first man takes it as a bad thing something to be disappointed and unhappy about, which brings us to the second man. The second man realizing that he cannot do anything about the lover he has lost takes this information in and changes what he can, himself. He decides to not allow this to get him down, to learn from his situation and to move on knowing there is nothing he can do about it. As opposed to the first man who loathes the fact that he can do nothing about the feelings of his lost lover and makes himself unhappy because of it. It is the path of the second man that we must choose in order to live happy lives.
This analogy can be applied to most any situation be it the death of a loved one, the lack of money, anything! You can only change yourself and so you are the only one that can make you happy. Others can make you feel better about yourself but if you want to be happy it is only you that can accomplish it.
You are the creator of your own destiny and your own happiness. You have to decide to be and put forth the effort to be happy in the face of adversity.
[Note: This article has been edited for length. -oc ]
The truth is all of your problems begin and end with you. You are the one that decides that you have a problem and then you are the one that decides who's fault it is and most importantly you are the one that decides what you are going to do about it. You don't have the power to change anyone else's mind but your own. You cannot make someone else love you or believe as you do, you can only change your own mind. And while most people take this ability for granted, in doing so we forget how powerful an ability that really is. Just think, if Hitler had "changed his mind" the Holocaust may never have happened, if Gandhi had changed his mind India may still be under British rule, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. my never have been inspired to use passive resistance to lead the fight for Civil Rights. It was the power of these individual's minds, how they interpreted their situations and then most importantly what they did about them that brought such radical changes to the world, both good and bad. So while your problems with unrequited love may not change the world as we know it, the way you decide to react to them and solve them can do something even more important. They can change your world, your reality, your life, for the good or for the bad. So to all of the people that have decided that their life "sucks" because of whatever reason, that is their choice. They have chosen to believe as such and to act in accordance with those beliefs to make their lives "suck" as opposed to using their experiences trials and tribulations to make them stronger or to make themselves happy. As the old saying goes "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" but what they don't say is that what doesn't kill you can make you happier. This can only be true if you make it true. And you can if you know what to do.
And just what do you do? That is what everyone seems to want to know. Well, my all-encompassing answer is "GET THE FUCK OVER IT!" But this response is really not very helpful in that it doesn't describe fully all the steps that go into "getting over" things as serious as the lack of love from your parents or the death of a close friend. So I will use this article and further ones to describe the steps I have used throughout life to "get over" the biggest problems in my life.
First off I would like to establish a little credibility. I mean who am I to tell others how to get over their problems. No one really. I am no one special. I am your average 18-year-old kid who has had his share of disappointments and troubles in life. But many of my friends will tell you that I am a person with his "head screwed on straight", as my mother would say. I am a very happy, go lucky individual, but I was not born that way nor have I lead a sheltered life, I am this way by my own choosing. I have suffered my share of troubles in my lifetime... I have experienced the divorce of my parents at an age when I was too young to understand it, and continued to live with divorced parents, one of which lives with a husband that doesn't understand the true meaning of love and the sacrifices that go along with it, and a stepdaughter who has been brought up in an atmosphere devoid of discipline and love. She has no respect for the truth or personal property, or the trust that goes with these things. The other lives in an uncommitted relationship with an overbearing partner. They will never marry, but neither want to go through the pains of a breakup, they are cowards both. I have lost close friends and relatives to premature death. I have loved and lost. I have dealt with self-esteem problems; I have sought the approval of others in less than noble ways. I have given into peer pressure, I have dealt with being not liked for most of my young life, and I was even blessed with unhealthy skin! Before it starts sounding like I am bitching, I will say this, although your problem my not be on the list you just read, I have dealt with many of my own problems. And while I may not have dealt with your problem specifically, the causes and cures of all problems are similar and all can be dealt with in a similar fashion. I know this because I have dealt with all of my trials and tribulations and I lead a very happy and jubilant life. I will not say that I no longer have any problems that would be a blatant lie. I can say, however, that all of the problems that I do have, I am capable of dealing with and all of them together have not been able to make me an unhappy, pessimistic, paranoid, scared, lonely, you name it, person.
Now as I said before all problems begin and end with you. You identify a circumstance or set of circumstances as problematic or bad or as beneficial and good. It is like the analogy, one man's trash is another man's treasure. Now while this saying usually applies to possessions it can also apply to a situation. Take this example: You fall head over heels in love with someone and you "go out" or "date" or what have you for a while and it ends up not working out due to the other person's desire to no longer be with you. Two people in this same situation could make the two different conclusions. One could say, "Gee, this is bad. I really loved this person and they don't love me anymore, I am unhappy." The other could say "Well, this isn't so bad, I learned a lot about life and love in this relationship and so I can chalk this one up to experience and move on. I am not happy about this but then I don't have to be unhappy." (Not that being unhappy because of a break up is in and of itself bad, the actions and decisions that usually follow that unhappiness usually lead to more and more unhappiness which is in most people's opinion's including mine, is bad). To the first man this situations is "bad and hence "trash" because he is now unhappy and will most likely go on and do things about it, like stewing or becoming depressed, which will continue to make him sad. On the other hand, to the second man, the situation has turned out not necessarily in a conventionally good, way but in a way that will allow him to take what he has learned and felt and apply it to later relationships. Which could then lead to future happiness, and hence the "treasure". The difference between these two men is how they saw the situation. Many people now a days tend to follow the path of the first man. They stack up piles of trash accumulated over years of unsuccessful relationships due to the endless circle of unhappiness that they subject themselves to by not deciding to find the treasure amongst the trash, less met aphorically speaking, the happiness in the disappointment, the good in the bad. Now both men in this example have accepted the truth that no matter what they do they cannot make the other person love them; the difference comes in how the two men react to this knowledge. The first man takes it as a bad thing something to be disappointed and unhappy about, which brings us to the second man. The second man realizing that he cannot do anything about the lover he has lost takes this information in and changes what he can, himself. He decides to not allow this to get him down, to learn from his situation and to move on knowing there is nothing he can do about it. As opposed to the first man who loathes the fact that he can do nothing about the feelings of his lost lover and makes himself unhappy because of it. It is the path of the second man that we must choose in order to live happy lives.
This analogy can be applied to most any situation be it the death of a loved one, the lack of money, anything! You can only change yourself and so you are the only one that can make you happy. Others can make you feel better about yourself but if you want to be happy it is only you that can accomplish it.
You are the creator of your own destiny and your own happiness. You have to decide to be and put forth the effort to be happy in the face of adversity.
[Note: This article has been edited for length. -oc ]
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